I’ve Been Having a Tough Time…

Hello, all of you spooks. I know I promised the posting schedule will be better, but stressors on the outside have made it nearly impossible for me to focus on my work. My best friend is getting married on Saturday, which led to a few conflicts that blew up into something way worse than it should have been. (Luckily, everything is all right for now.) My full-time job at a casino was insanely busy due to Memorial Day weekend, and I also work extra days straight due to the wedding coming up over the weekend.

A positive side, though: I’m finally starting my Sundays and Mondays off this week, which will leave me so much more time for hangs with friends and actual dates with my boyfriend. (We see each other every week, but I’m not sure that sitting at his house doing his laundry while he works is not the most romantic thing in the book.) Not to mention I worked early yesterday and got to spend the night with my boyfriend, our friend, and his mother.

With every bad, you have to find a positive; at least that’s what I’ve taken away from things happening in my life. You don’t have to be okay all of the time, but you also can’t dwell in the sadness and stay stuck. It’s hard for me to remember that still sometimes.

I hope you all had a relaxing weekend and that you keep on trucking through the tough times in your journeys for happiness.

Modeling, Makeup, and Mental Health Awareness Month

Though a shroud of stigmas surround them, mental illnesses are probably some of the most difficult disorders to try and deal with. It’s sad when people who don’t understand try to make it sound so easy to handle. On the other end, it’s also a bit exaggerated when people who suffer from disorders like depression and anxiety swear they are unable to at least try to keep it from ruining their life in any way.

Despite what people may think, things really do get better eventually.

I lack the need to lay my whole life out on the table, but I dealt with some tough events in the past up until this point. (Hell, some days the littlest things will still flare me up for a few minutes.) People died, a parent said goodbye (not forever, but had to leave the house), and I wrestled self-loathing the size of a brontosaurus. And I also admit that, up until almost two years, I failed to get myself the sufficient help I needed; it felt easier to sit in bed, mope, and live in ignorance. However, it’s never too late, and I have put in the work necessary ever since on a daily basis, and makeup and fashion were part of that work. Continue reading “Modeling, Makeup, and Mental Health Awareness Month”

Battling the Voices In Our Heads

Warped Tour 2014
Warped Tour 2014 (with Lyssa at the top left)

Hey there, everyone. Even though this page primarily focuses on fashion and beauty, I also want to start some conversations about mental health awareness and make this place a safe zone for anyone else who struggles like myself.

To say I’ve been in a funk the past few weeks is an understatement. A few…well, shitty things happened, which hit my mind’s worst anxiety and depression triggers. The guy I was talking to and seeing since August/September stopped talking to me and answering me back without an explanation; he was my first everything (except for my “first time”), so it’s breaking my heart. I did the scariest thing I could do, in my mind, and trusted him only for him to leave without showing me any courtesy. And, a few days ago, I found out another friend of mine will die from cancer. It all sucks, and I’d felt more than ready to end all of the pain until a phone call this week with my friend Lyssa.

I mentioned what was going on in my life and in my head, and Lyssa stayed with me having nothing but patience and understanding. Even through my tears, her heart stayed kind and gentle. Then, she gave me some advice that (somehow) managed to sift through the storm clouds brewing in my mind; she told me that bad things will happen, but I have control of how to handle those situations and that it just takes time for the good things to come into my life, if I give it that time and work hard. She said I’m a beautiful person and she loves me, and it was the rare time when I really knew someone meant what they said to me.

At the end of our phone call, Lyssa assigned me some “homework” I need to send her every night. The first thing I need to do is keep writing on here and make it for me and show her that I’m working on my blog. The other thing I have to do is send her a photo of a journal entry every night so I can record what happened during a day, what I’m thinking, feeling, etc. Now, while I’m going to my therapist every week and working on learning about the deeper parts of myself, she’s exercising my ability to change my mindset so I can live a life I want rather than give in to my mental disorders; she’s making me proactive. That’s what I need.

That phone call with my friend then sparked quite a few wonderful memories that I’d almost pushed into the back of my mind. I remembered my two weeks doing anti-bullying press work with my friends on the 2014 Vans Warped Tour and how I met so many amazing people and overcame my social anxiety so much. I remembered my friend Bethany telling me at the end of Warped Prom (the night I left tour), “You’re one of us.” I belonged somewhere. People liked me. I felt happy.

I’ve hung out with so many cool people in the music scene and had some great conversations, both musicians and fans. The four friends who went to see Steel Panther with me and I had so much fun together; I even went onstage when Michael Starr motioned for me to come and danced (when I never dance) with my friend Danielle. I thought of the one night I went out with my “gay bae” (one of my best friends, but I use “bae” facetiously) Jacob, my brother, and his girlfriend, and Jacob introduced himself to my brother’s girlfriend by saying, “Hi. I’m gay,” before we got 40 McNuggets altogether on the way home later that night.

The depression and anxiety make things so awful and dark. When you get in those funks, it’s so difficult to get back to yourself and remember who you are, what you love, and who really loves you and matters. Once the clouds dissipate, though, regardless of how long they stay away, the beautiful parts of life start to show themselves again. And then, even if it’s just for a moment, you feel free; you feel happy. To all of you who also suffer, please work on remembering that with me.